Friday, August 3, 2007

Forces of nature

When people ask, I tell them I have two girls. This is a partial truth, it oils the wheels of social interaction. I've given birth to females with all the relevant physical bits and pieces but to claim they are girls - a social category, a shaky edifice built on their biology - glosses over their distinct and idiosyncratic selves.

Heaven knows there are days we seem to live in a girl world. We separate the washing into three piles: darks, lights and pinks. The girls' room is a rosy symphony and at the end of each day we trudge around collecting dolls, babies, kittens and other soft toys. (How did this happen? We were committed to providing gender neutral colours; life was was going to be yellow and green and white. Instead, la vie en rose.) Nell, a baby herself, is happiest with her own baby Amalie, and Lu's conversation is peppered with 'so cute', 'sweet' and demands for jewellery, creams and ungents, perfumes and fairy wings. Some times, on some days, we have girls of the most girly kind.

But each of those times on each of those days is countered with not-so-girly things. Lucy claims to be a cow with chocolate milk in her udders and a koala in her belly. (Appropriate response: "That's handy".) She is aggressive and as rough as guts. She is confident in her body. She yells a lot. She cannot sit still. She loves trains and heavy machinery. These are stereotypically 'boy' characteristics. Lu's stated career aim is to grow up to be a 'lady digger [earth mover] driver' so that she can dig big holes, scoop up lambies and send up blankets to the rock a bye baby on the tree top (a nicely gender-bending aim). She's dressing the part already.



Nell's own self is just emerging as she learns to negotiate and control her body and her world. But all signs point to the same movement and noise that Lucy uses so effectively in our lives.

I think about my uncategorisable kids as I hear another mother say 'I always wanted a daughter, someone to go shopping with', and remember an article on determining the sex of babies, where parents talked about balancing out the family or wanting a daughter to go horse riding with while the five boys rode their BMX bikes. I'm not saying anyone is a bad person for wanting these things but it strikes me, looking at my Lulu and Nell, that it's a set up for disappointment. In the end we get kids, individuals who are both familiar and strange to us, who choose their paths in response to and in spite of our own preferences and expectations.

All of those 'traditionally feminine' pursuits and atittudes are productive and skilled and create beauty and joy; I'd not be disappointed if Lucy chose to sew and spin. But my kids have reminded me we're each of us made up of snips and snails and puppy dog tails and sugar and spice and all things nice (which for me would include Stone's green ginger wine, duck and greens from The Vietnamese in Fortitude Valley in Brisbane, bush walking in snake free terrain, and chocolate meringues). I know this anyway - I spent years reading sociology and gender studies - but now we're living it, seeing the ways in which Nell and Lu come into the world hard-wired, and our social practices and expectations let us tinker around the edges a bit - and maybe make people feel bad for not doing and being the 'right' things - but aren't the overwhelming force I used to argue they were. On good days, child raising seems to be more about offering suggestions than forging a being in the fires of 'No'.

Seeing my girls reminds me that while we designate behaviours 'masculine' and feminine' for ease of categorisation and argument, it's hard to argue they exist in meaningful ways in young children's lives. As Lu and Nell grow older cultural expectations will become more pressing, throwing acceptable differences between boys and girls into sharp and disappointing relief, but I love that at the moment they are simply themselves with no thought of what they 'should' be. It's only in my thirties I'm able to even recognise this as a possible way of being, let alone live in that freedom; my heart hopes my two forces of nature carry that knowledge with them right through their lives.

58 comments:

Kez said...

Billy is quite happy dressing up in dresses or as a princess or playing with my old dollshouse, as well as building stuff, playing with cars & being a typical boy! It's good to see but I have to admit it makes me feel a bit uncomfortable when I see him dressed up as a princess lol. Social conditioning I guess.

blue milk said...

Meta studies on gender have always concluded that there is more variation within each gender than between the two genders and your story bears this out. You had a very nice approach to constructing the arguments around this issue in the post that normally have me too prickly to put so gently. Well done.

Em said...

oh i love this post!

my son is sensitive.

my youngest daughter is as strong as an ox.

I agree... i didn't give birth to "boys"/"girls"... i gave birth to individuals!

nutmeg said...

I can't begin to tell you how much I agree with your statement:

"I spent years reading sociology and gender studies - but now we're living it, seeing the ways in which Nell and Lu come into the world hard-wired, and our social practices and expectations let us tinker around the edges a bit..."

I don't think I could have been convinced by anyone until I saw it myself in my own girls how MUCH stuff is hard wired. I was thinking I could have a bigger influence then I currently am! And the amount and extent of the influence one can be is also child-dependent. Some are more pliable - others not. But the hard-wired stuff runs so very deep - so deep I truly had no idea. The big lesson now for me is to develop the "strength" to let them go their own way as much and as safely as I possibly can. An opportunity I would like to have been given in my own youth - well, much more often then it was offered anyway!

Suse said...

I'm echoing everybody else's comments, and your own here.

I have three boys, and they all had dolls, wore pink (and red and blue and green ...) as tiny tots. They loved trains and diggers and my old dollshouse. And now all three of them (13, 11 and 8) can weave and knit and sew. But ... the hardwiring from that Y chromosome is soooo strong.

They're individuals, but they're also BOYS.

Eco scrapper said...

What a great post. It is so hard to avoid the gender stereo types in society. I am guilty, guilty, guilty of this all the time. I am really trying though. My two boys have a pink stroller they love, pom-poms, and my older son frequently paints my toes. Thanks for the gentle reminder to keep trying to break the barriers of gender stereo types!

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Similar to the cue ball that is shot in pools; this game involves coins
and strikers that are essential to play carrom game. It should come
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of pirate apps for i - Phone, i - Pod Touch, and i - Pad.

Harry Potter Hogwarts is one more entry into this new series of LEGO board games.



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Anonymous said...

Like any game, when we stay within the rules, we score, and when we play outside the rules there of course
is a penalty. All spaceship game leveling systems are designed slightly differently,
but there are some general concepts that apply to all games in this
genre. If you want to be able to hit the ball further and harder, you should keep in mind
to keep your grip on the bat loose, your swing should begin with
your legs and hips, and finally, you must always follow your bat through.


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Anonymous said...

You might need heavier line and tackle to account for powerful river flows.
Alaska salmon fishing trip is one of the more favorite trips
in Alaska. Most of the fishable water in the upper river is boulder runs
in deep canyons and it is scenic.

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Anonymous said...

This method of fishing also has a by-catch of non-target species such as
sharks, dolphins, turtles, and other non-target fish species.
Sea fishing can take place from a boat, from a pier
or jetty or from the beach or by an estuary. Most of the fishable
water in the upper river is boulder runs in deep canyons and it is scenic.


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Anonymous said...

It bears mentioning that there are also games
and simulations available to those wanting
to learn to trade stock index futures. The only downside
of it in a lot of people's eyes is the fact that there is no multiplayer content. Preparing to apply to the dozens of other game development companies for video game jobs will enable you to expand and diversify your list of possible employers, and your chances of getting hired will increase tremendously.

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Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

It iis based on computer with electrographic sensor technology.

However, every character in the game (even supporting players) should be
presented in this same detail. Are you a Kansas City Chiefs or Pittsburgh Steelers fan.



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Anonymous said...

The developers are saying that Defiance is a pixel perfect shooter, so if you aim
at your target's head it WILL be a headshot instead of the invisible dice rolling a 5 and telling you that you somehow missed. The only downside of it in a lot of people's eyes is the fact that there is no multiplayer content.
In this addictive puzzle game, catch that damn fly and avoid those tricky
obstacles.

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